What you REALLY want
What do you really want in your life?
It might surprise you to learn that what you think you want is often not what you really want! And so when you get what you think you want, you often don’t feel the way you wanted to feel!
One common reason that people come to coaching is to help them figure out this confusing puzzle.
In my experience, the main cause of this is that we often focus on the form of what we think we want rather than the state of being we hope to experience if we were to get that form.
Stuff
We are programmed in our consumer driven culture to believe that we need more stuff. More than ever before, we are inundated with endless advertising and marketing, specifically targeted and custom designed to make us feel less than, lack, fear, or desire. Just being who we are is not enough. And if we can just get these things (a new car, a better boyfriend, better hair, a new dress, a higher paying job, a bigger house, a better body, etc.), then we will feel happy, fulfilled, accomplished, proud, powerful, younger, comfortable, safe, etc.
Relationships
On the relationship front, when we get into a disagreement with someone (spouse, child, parent, friend, work associate), it is often because we are focused on form - the exact physical form of what we think we want. The other person wants a different form or doesn’t want the form that we think we want.
Examples…
I want to go on vacation to Europe. She wants to go on vacation to Mexico.
I want a romantic evening at our favorite restaurant. He wants to stay home and watch his favorite sports team play.
We feel it’s time to move our mom into assisted living. She wants to maintain her independence and continue living by herself in her home.
He wants to continue living in the Bay Area and I want to move to Idaho.
My business partner wants to spend money on a new CRM system. I want to save money and better utilize the one we already have.
A More Effective Way!
Look a little deeper beneath the form of what you think you want and ask yourself the questions:
“Why do I want this?”
and
“What experience am I looking for?”
Keep asking these questions repeatedly as you drill down to a deeper answer. When you can’t drill down anymore, you are likely at a core state of being - the real “thing” that you want. When you get to this place, you will find many new possibilities of form that might satisfy your original need/want/desire even better than your original “thing.” There is much more space for an open-ended conversation with yourself or another person of what might best meet your desire.
Example 1 (personal):
Starting point: I want to lose weight
Why?: So I can look better
Why?: So I can be more attractive to girls
Why?: So I can find a girlfriend and eventually get married
Why?: So I won’t be alone in the world
Desired experience or State of Being: Connection, Love, Safety
New Question: “how can I create more connection, love, and safety in my life?” This is a very different question than “how can I lose weight?”
Example 2 (relationship):
Starting point: I want to go on a cruise (my partner wants to go camping in the mountains)
Why?: To have fun and see new places
Why?: For rest and recreation
Why?: To spend quality time with my partner
Why?: To rekindle romance in our relationship
Desired experience or State of Being: Connection, Love
The conversation around “how can we create more love and connection in our relationship?” would be a very different one than the conversation around “should we go on a cruise or camping?” This new question inspires the possibility of co-creating many different possibilities.
As Steven Covey says in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, “Start with the end in mind.”
If you start with “what is my desired experience?” rather than a specific form - one possible answer - you are much more likely to come up with more creative and satisfying possible answers.